Football season is here. Sometimes you get lucky and the woman in your life has a grasp on the basics of sports (especially hockey!) Men’s Fitness offers these tips for ’splainin’ football to a  novice in her terms:

• Ineligible receiver: Explain the idea of a player on the offensive team who is not allowed to catch a pass by likening it to her hot-yet-married male co-worker, grad-school history professor, gay male hairstylist, or anyone else who cannot accept her passes.
• Pump fake: Compare this QB ploy to the way women give out fake phone numbers at a bar. The point is to trick the opposing team — or persistent drunk guy — into thinking the object of their desire is actually within reach.
• Hail Mary: This is a desperate, last-ditch effort to score — so characterize it as last call, when clueless (read: horny) patrons lob lame pickup lines toward anyone left unhitched in a final, pathetic effort to, well, score. Tell her that, like the closing-time tactic, it’s rare that this football play actually works.
• Huddle: Explain that this is identical to female group trips to the restroom. Once there, women decide on the “play” for that evening, whether it’s calling dibs on the guys they find attractive or concocting a plan to ditch their dates.

Most of this is common sense, but I think it’s wise to assume any e-mail you write/receive could be read by the company.

SEVEN WORK E-MAIL RULES TO LIVE BY (Reader’s Digest)

HOW TO CURE END-OF-SUMMER BLUES (MSNBC)

TOP TEN TURNOFFs FOR WOMEN: (Yahoo!)

• Showing off: Maybe he owns a yacht off the coast of France. Maybe he has a timeshare in the
  Hamptons. Maybe his annual bonus is bigger than most guys’ salaries. That’s all well and good, but does it really need to be divulged on the first date?
• Messy: A-list celebrities can pull off the unkempt look. First-daters need to pay attention to shaving, clothing and bad breath. If the guy can’t even put in the effort for a first impression, it doesn’t bode well down the road.
• Being rude: “Where’s our drinks, lady?” If a guy treats the service staff with a lack of respect, a great gal will likely assume he’ll do the same to her someday. The last thing anyone wants is to be talked down to or disrespected.
• He’s cheap: There will always be debate about who should pay on a first date. Some guys are traditionalists and want to foot the bill; others expect a 50-50 monetary split. In most cases, offering to pay is the way to go. Let her pick up the tab on a future date.
• Still-married: Marriage, separation and divorce are pretty cut-and-dry terms. If a guy says he’s separated when he really means he’s cheating on his wife, it’s going to cause trouble. Be honest from the get-go and let the dating chips fall where they may.
• Touchy-feely: Guys need to read the signals before assuming hand holding, massaging and other touchy-feely activities have the green light. Jumping too quickly to any form of intimacy can make any guy seem too aggressive.
• Stereotyping: “Oh, you’re one of those types of women.” Jumping to conclusions about a date from the way she answers one or two questions is a definite mistake. Let the date unfold before making assumptions about someone you just met.
• Distracted: His cell phone is ringing constantly, he’s popping away from the table every 10 minutes, and he keeps interrupting the conversation flow. First dates require focused attention — that means putting the phone on vibrate, making eye contact and being present.
• All-Business: Some guys are great salesmen or outstanding negotiators. But there’s a time and place for business and a time and place for leisure. Guys who treat first dates like business transactions will never close the deal.
• Nervous: He can’t sit still, he’s banging his fork on the table, and he won’t make eye contact for more than three seconds. Nervous antics are a real turnoff and make a great gal think a guy has something to hide. Work out the nervous kinks before the date starts.

THINGS A MAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DRINKING (Esquire)

• There is no such thing as a chocolate martini.
• There is no shame in club soda and cranberry juice.
• Visiting the pub will be cheaper in the long run if you tip the bartender regularly and more generously than is necessary.
• Never order a frozen drink in a place that serves pickled eggs. Actually, never order a frozen drink.
• When throwing a party, break the seals on all liquor bottles, lest guests should hesitate to open them and come to doubt your hospitality.
• Adopt a new favorite cocktail on a seasonal basis.
• Drinks that give you bad breath: beer, anything sweet, anything with milk.
• Drinks that give you good breath: gin and tonic, gimlet, vodka and cranberry, anything with citrus.
• Decent wine costs 15 dollars. Good wine costs 35 dollars. Nobody can tell the difference.
• Sitting at the bar works only for two people. Three or more requires a table.
• Never utter the words I and love and you if you’ve had more than three drinks.
• If a bartender makes you flail your arms or beg for service, well, obviously, leave.
• Instead of trying to remember whether it’s “beer before liquor” or the other way around, just be an adult and stick to one or the other.
• Acceptable drinks for men: beer, wine, whiskey, cocktails that are neither sweet nor made with dairy or fruit other than lime or lemon or orange.
• Never question a woman’s drink choice.
• If you’re the first in the group to arrive and you start a tab on your card, you deserve exactly what’s coming to you.

10 WORST PICK UP LINES (AskMen.com)

• “Hey, I was just thinking of you! Okay, I’m all cleaned up now though.”: This line is fairly crude and implies that you have the stamina of a 12-year-old, so it’ll only tempt her to leave the room rather than leave with you .
• “How would you like your eggs for breakfast: scrambled, boiled or fertilized?”: This one may be funny, but it’s also a tad presumptuous. Women generally dislike sexual references, as well as men who assume they can conquer any women they meet. To add insult to injury, it alludes to pregnancy; not a smart move.
• “What do you say we go back to my place and do some math? Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply!”: She may like the fact that you have a solid grasp of mathematics, but she will also assume you’re the pocket protector-wearing type. And thanks to the pickup line’s length, she will be history by the time you carry over the one.
• “You might as well sleep with me because I’m going to tell everybody we did it anyway.”: This one is provocative and funny, but chances are it might garner you a slap across the face. On the other hand, she might counter with, “you’d better tell them I was good,” but don’t count on it.
• “Hey babe, do you know that my bedroom is soundproof?”: This one seems good at first, but it connotes that you will get action that night. Again, pretty presumptuous. On a scarier note, it also implies that if you do get her to your place, she could scream for help and no one would hear… pass.
• “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.”: Okay, so you know what Braille is… good for you. You may need it after she gouges your eyes out for insinuating that you could fondle her breasts without consequence. Generally speaking, lines that could be used at porn conventions are of no use in mainstream settings.
• “I just want to tell you that you have a price to pay for being this cute, and I’m here to collect… your phone number, that is.”: It’s fairly witty, but drags on for too long. And she’ll expect some celebrity to burst onto the scene and pitch you a collect-call phone program.
• “Did you know women are like parking spots? All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. Which are you?”: Mr. Sensitive, “come on down!” Comparing women to cement on which cars are parked will not get you far, while implying that a woman is handicapped if she’s single is going to put you in the ER.
• “Can I buy you a drink or do you prefer the cash instead?”: As a general rule, implying that she is a hooker will not work. Leave that for the streetwalker get-togethers and offer her a drink instead.
• “If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?”: Are you asking her whether or not she’s a virgin? Why not ask her whether it’s that time of the month while you’re it? Leave the references to her box and your tools out of the dialogue, if you want to leave the bar in one piece.

HOW NOT TO BE A SUNGLASSES DOUCHE:

• No sunglasses indoors. Take them off. Only exception here is if you’re in a sunroom, or a house made entirely of glass.
• No sunglasses at night. Corey Hart is a douche, and you are too if you wear your sunglasses after sunset.
• No sunglasses at bars, clubs or concerts. This is combining the “indoors” and “at night” rules for double-douchiness. You might think people will look at you and think, “how mysterious” or “that guy is cool.” Truthfully, people will be looking at you thinking “how douchey” or “that guy is re-goddamned-diculous!”
• Men should not wear oversize sunglasses. (Women shouldn’t either, but that’s a bigger fight)
• Men should not wear sunglasses with highly visible designer names or symbols. (ie. D&G, Chanel) It’s just lame and douchey.
• Men should also avoid the lightly tinted J-Lo style glasses. Do I need to explain?

These are just a few tips to help you avoid being douchey. If you see a friend who needs to be told - tell them. It’s also perfectly acceptable to walk by someone wearing sunglasses indoors and saying loudly and sarcastically while shielding your eyes: “owww, my eyes! It’s so bright in here, I wish I had my sunglasses!”

10 WAYS TO BE HEALTHIER WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

• Laugh out loud: It’ll make your body pump endorphins — chemicals that boost energy and alleviate depression. Stress hormones will drop too.
• Orgasms: They actually change your brain chemistry in a way that relaxes your body and relieves tension.
• Drink plain old water: You’ll feel good if you stay hydrated.
• Wash your hands: Up to 80% of all colds, flus and other common illnesses are spread through touching, and only 16% of people do a good enough job washing.
• Eat anything in the produce aisle: All of them are good — there’s no such thing as a bad-for-you vegetable.
• Floss: It’s one of the best ways to ward off gum disease and keep your smile intact forever.
• Deep breathing: It cuts stress instantly. Try six slow breaths per minute to lower blood pressure.
• Hang out with friends: People crave relationships; friends let you vent; and a study found that people with a strong network of friends outlived those without by 22%.
• Massage: It feels great and research shows a good rub may improve circulation and release feel-good chemicals like serotonin.
• Decent posture: Sit or stand up straight and you’ll magically look slimmer.

Eight “Weird” Things Guys Do That Are Normal (Glamour)

• Ordering a salad for dinner: 19% of men say they’re currently trying to lose weight.
• Putting more time into friendships than women do: Men spend 10 hours a week with friends, compare to 7.5 for women.
• Not getting off: 25% of men don’t always orgasm with their partners.
• Faking it when they can’t get there: Yes, women pretend to orgasm more often, but 11% of men say they’ve done it too.
• Talking on the phone a lot: Men clock an average of 546 cell phone minutes a month, which is 76 more than women use.
• Never outgrowing video games: 35% of guys ages 25-34 play them for about 8 hours a week.
• Crying: Research shows that a typical man shed tears about 17 times a year.
• Liking the mall: 51% of men say that they enjoy shopping.

some more words for your vocab:

• Chickchismo: A strong sense of womanly pride: an exaggerated femininity; 2) exaggerated or exhilarating sense of female cunning and womanly wiles.
• Connectile dysfunction: The inability to gain or maintain an Internet connection.
• Hasbian: A former lesbian who is now in a heterosexual relationship.
• Hatriotism: Proving your patriotism by hating the people the government tells you to hate.
• Kodak courage: An extra dose of courage and the tendency to go beyond one’s usual physical limits when being filmed or photographed.
• Nicotini: An alcoholic drink that includes nicotine as an ingredient. Usually made with vodka in which tobacco has been soaked.
• Scratcher: An untalented tattoo artist.