Every Thursday at about 2:30, Cheryl from The Calgary Humane Society drops by our storefront studio with a pet available for adoption. She’s brought some really awesome ones to date - various dogs, kittens and even a guinea pig - but Copper is my favourite so far. I have an affinity for hounds (Beagles, Bassets, Bloodhounds, Etc.) but have never seen this combination of breeds before. A Basset Hound mixed with a Golden Lab. Like a sausage-version of a lab. Really friendly, loveable and curious. Little more energy than a Basset. Here are some pics:

Calgary has some of the worst drivers I’ve come across. For the most part it’s the overcautious drivers and the left-lane hogs that make me most crazy. Here’s a list from AOL.com:

• Tailgaters: We have enough problems with people breathing down our necks on supermarket lines, train ticket lines and (sometimes) unemployment check lines. We don’t need them breathing down our necks on the highway, too.
• Road Rage: Spontaneous road-battles are the worst. When dealing with someone with road rage, suddenly you’re expected to dodge insults, trash and who-knows-what-else in a chariot battle right out of Ben Hur when all you wanted to do was hit the local Stop N’ Shop.
• Grooming While Driving: Has anybody actually met someone by exchanging glances on the road going 60 mph? It’s like a car is a dressing room for some people — people that need perfectly manicured hair and flawless skin at all times. I don’t know how impressed I’d be if someone swerved into me while primping in the vanity mirror. But maybe that’s just me. Maybe someone out there actually wants to have their insurance rates raised.
• No Turn Signals: Have you noticed that there are two types of drivers who don’t use turn signals? There’s the bunch who don’t use their signals because they’re trying to be sneaky and grab the incredibly tight space in front of your car in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Then there’s those who just don’t seem to remember or care to use their signals, like the guy who veers into a turn in front of oncoming traffic and freaks everyone out at the intersection. For the latter, maybe driving a car simply just isn’t engaging enough to demand their attention like it should.
• Slowpokes in the Fast Lane: Is there any simpler way to phrase it? “Keep right except to pass.” Some drivers just don’t get it. They just love that left lane, even when they’re rolling along 20 mph under the speed limit. Maybe they get nervous when cars whiz past their window. The left lane’s no-traffic shoulder may seem friendlier.
• Driving Greedy: About a year ago, I saw a driver so protective of his space behind a tractor trailer that, while maneuvering to keep someone else from merging, he actually impaled his bumper on the back of the truck. The truck pulled away and yanked the whole bumper off. And the other car jumped into the space anyway, rubbing some salt in the wound.
• The Multi-Lane Dash: Don’t you just love it when a car makes a desperate diagonal bee-line across three lanes for an exit? It’s like there’s going to be an epic 50 miles until the next chance to exit and turn around. Granted, in some remote places there actually could be 50 miles between exits, but in major metropolitan areas? Perhaps they just enjoy the thrill of cutting everybody off on the road at once.
• Staggering Merge: You have to wonder if people had the same driver’s manual as you did. Maybe they got their license in a different age, one where you could get three-quarters of the questions wrong on a permit test and still be approved to drive a vehicle. That’s what I wonder when traffic gets hot and heavy and one lane is forced to merge with another. My book years ago talked of cars taking turns to form a staggered merge, one car from one lane going ahead, followed by one car from another lane.
• Meals on Wheels: My driver’s education instructor once ate a salad, utensils in either hand, while driving. He lowered the steering wheel as far as it would go and simply steered with his knees. Insane, you say? Absolutely. I think he wanted to give us a little scare after all the grief we’d put him through. What’s astonishing is all the people eating in their cars on their morning commutes. Frankly, hash brown grease and ketchup only coordinate with your suit and tie if you’re under 10.
• Talkahaulic: The Cellular Phone User: Now that the 1980s are over, the whole rich and influential power-broker look with a cell phone attached to your ear is a tad passe. Do people really need to flaunt their handheld cellular phones as they steer with one hand nowadays? If drivers really want to broadcast “I’m-so-successful-and-busy-and-everybody-needs-to-do-business-with-me-even-when-I’m-driving,” why not hire an out-of-work actor to dress up as a personal assistant and furiously take notes for them as they drive?

As you rack your brain and race around trying to get gifts your family and friends will like this holiday season, keep in mind that a stupid present might just be the perfect present. Reuters reports that the website Stupid.com yesterday (November 26th) unveiled its list of the top 10 stupidest holiday gifts for 2007, with founder Gary Apple saying in a statement, “These gifts are so ridiculously stupid that everyone will want them.”  The top 10 are:

1.       Mistletoe to Go — Faux mistletoe on a suction cup that attaches to your forehead.

2.       The Hillary Nutcracker — A nutcracker made in the image of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, in which the nut is cracked between her pant-suited legs.

3.       Slingshot Monkey — A stuffed monkey dressed as a superhero who flies up to 50 feet as he screams.

4.       Larry Craig Action Figure — This talking Senator Larry Craig action figure with bendable limbs wears a T-shirt that declares “I Am Not Gay.” When he speaks, he repeats parts of the news conference Craig gave after it was revealed he’d been arrested on charges of soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom.

5.       Uncle Oinker’s Gummy Bacon Candy — This candy looks like real bacon and comes packaged the same way too.

6.       Inflatable Moosehead — Save the effort of hunting and a real moose’s life by putting this inflatable moose head on your trophy wall.

7.       Electronic Yodeling Pickle — Press the button on this six-and-a-half-inch plastic pickle and an authentic-sounding yodel plays.

8.       Poo-lar Bear Candy — This plastic bear is filled with candy poop, so when you press down on its hind quarters he poops out a piece.

9.       Get Off the Phone Excuse Machine — This machine comes in handy when you need to get off the phone with a chatty Cathy. Press a button for excuses like “Whoops, there’s the door,” and “I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up.”

10.    USB Dancer — Plug this bikini-wearing dancer into your computer’s USB port and audio port and when sound plays on your system, she’ll dance and gyrate around the pole.

Stars were in town for a sold-out X92.9 presentation at Mac Hall. She took some time out to chat with me about showering with multiple people, the environment, and of course her band Stars (and Broken Social Scene). Have a listen:

Amy Millan Speaks 

(it’s a big file, so give it some time to start)

Cheryl from The Calgary Humane Society came by with Baxter the Guinea Pig today. He’s really adorable. (Yes, I’m a man that just used the word adorable. Get over it!) He’s about 4 months old and is an Abisinian GP, which means he has the permanent bed-head look. He’s adoptable as well as a whole bunch of other pets of all shapes and sizes at calgaryhumane.ca

#1.)  AVOID DRUGS.  Obviously, you wouldn’t want to do hard drugs.  We ALL know that stuff kills.  But if you can, don’t use antibiotics all the time, either.  It’ll weaken your immune system, so you’ll get sick a lot easier. 

#2.)  FLOSS (???).  Flossing actually SAVES LIVES.  It gets rid of plaque between teeth, which is basically a thick coating of bacteria.  Plaque has been linked with cardiovascular disease AND stroke in adults over 25.   

#3.)  HAVE LOTS OF SEX.  Sex is a great workout for your body . . . it makes you happy (–most of the time) . . . and it’s also is great for keeping your immune system strong. 

#4.)  PLAY WITH YOUR DOG OR CAT.  Pets come in contact with good germs that support your immune system . . . and these germs help you to be healthier and stronger. 

#5.)  EAT SEVERAL TIMES DURING THE DAY.  The whole “three meals a day” thing actually isn’t all that healthy anymore.  It’s better to eat MORE than that, but in smaller portions, because it keeps you from overeating and getting chubbier. 

#6.)  DON’T YELL AT PEOPLE.  Yelling at people tells your immune system that you want to FIGHT.  In some instances, this can make your immune system overactive . . . causing it to actually attack your own organs.  

#7.)  SLEEP.  This is really the only time your body and your immune system have to relax and repair.  So stick to the old rule of trying to get at least eight hours a night. 

#8.)  EXERCISE.  This one is pretty much a given.  When you exercise, your body is healthier, and you live longer. 

#9.)  EAT RIGHT.  You need to have all the right vitamins and minerals a day to prevent your immune system from weakening. 

#10.)  GET SOME SUN.  Don’t OVEREXPOSE yourself to the sun, but at least 20 minutes of sun exposure a day gives you enough Vitamin D for your body’s needs.

Was on my Facebook over the long weekend, and came across a profile too good to be true. One of my favourite websites is Hot Chicks With Douchebags, and one of their perennial favourites is a guy named Joey Porsche, a douchebag in the style of the Growing Up Gotti kids. Joey:

I didn’t think someone as ridiculously douchey and hilarious as Joey Porsche actually existed in Calgary. But I think I found him. Unfortunately, he shares my first name. The bad fake tan, the frosted tips, the ridiculous designer sunglasses, the coiffed brows, the tough-guy posing, the pursed lips, the bling, the wanna-G style, the giving the camera the finger, the designer duds…behold:

 

The only positive is that unlike Cancer, there is a cure. Douche is a choice.

Tim Darling is a math expert, who studied billions of computer simulations of Monopoly games, to figure out, mathematically, how you should play to have the best chance at winning the game. 

#1.)  ALWAYS BUY RAILROADS, NEVER BUY UTILITIES.  The revenue from railroads is much more constant over time. 

#2.)  ONLY BUY PROPERTY TO COMPLETE A MONOPOLY, OR KEEP AN OPPONENT FROM COMPLETING ONE.  Owing one or two properties in a group is useless, unless it stops Monopolies . . . because you need to build houses to win. 

#3.)  ALWAYS GET A “CHEAPER” MONOPOLY.  Get one of the four monopolies on the first two sides of the board:  The purples, light blues, light purples or oranges.  And get it quickly . . . trade if you have to. 

#4.)  ONLY BUILD THREE HOUSES.  As soon as you get a Monopoly, put THREE houses on each property.  Exactly three.  Based on the math, three houses is the sweet spot . . . they’ll pay off the most over time, without being too expensive up front like hotels. 

#5.)  ONCE YOUR FIRST MONOPOLY STARTS MAKING MONEY, GET A MORE EXPENSIVE MONOPOLY.  And put three houses on each of its properties. 

#6.)  STAY IN JAIL.  Once your opponents have monopolies, moving around the board will, most likely, cost you money.  So, stay in jail as long as you can.  But, until they have monopolies, get out of jail quickly so you can get back to buying property.  (Amnesta.net)

Haven’t had a chance to upload these until now, so you get a triple dose of my “biggest fan.”

The first call is before I head off to Vegas for the weekend and Vegoose:

October 25th Biggest Fan

The second call comes in after she returns from Vegas, when I’ve already returned a week earlier. Apparently her Vegas trip was lonely and kinda boring:

November 5th Biggest Fan

The truth about her Vegas trip comes out, and it’s umm…strange:

November 8th Biggest Fan

A British TV station called UKTV Gold just released the results of a survey where they asked people to vote on which laws in the

U.K. are the STUPIDEST.  And here’s the top 10, in order . . . 

#1.)  It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

 #2.)  It’s an act of treason to put a postage stamp upside-down if it has a British monarch’s picture on it.

#3.)  In Liverpool, it’s illegal for a woman to be topless . . . unless she’s the clerk at a tropical fish store.

#4.)  It’s illegal to eat meat pies on Christmas Day. #5.)  In Scotland, if someone knocks on the door and needs to use your toilet, you have to let them in.

#6.)  A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a police officer’s helmet.

#7.)  If a whale dies on the British coast, its head instantly becomes the property of the king, and its tail instantly becomes the property of the queen.

#8.)  It’s illegal to withhold information from a tax collector . . . but only if it’s info that you don’t want him to know.  If you have information you don’t mind him knowing . . . you don’t have to tell him about it.

#9.)  It’s illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a full suit of armor. #10.)  In York, it’s legal to murder someone from Scotland . . . but only if they’re carrying a bow and arrow.

–The people in the survey also got to vote on the most ridiculous laws outside of the

U.K.  The winner:  In Ohio, it’s illegal to get a fish drunk.

 –Second place went to Indonesia, where the penalty for making angry, passionate love to yourself is DECAPITATION.

(Reuters U.K.)