I saw Jim Gaffigan last night at Jack Singer Hall. He’s always been a  favourite from the stand-up world. I own a bunch of CDs but haven’t seen him live. The show was very funny, although, note to Calgary audiences: if it says 7PM on the ticket, it means you are meant to be sitting comfortably in your seat at that time…not arriving at the theatre. There were large groups of people coming in as late as 7:30PM. If I was running the show, I’d give a five minute grace period, then not admit latecomers. People hafta learn. It’s disrespectful for other audience members and even more so for the performers.

Here’s one of Jim’s most well-known bits:

My birthday’s in August. I want this:

The greatest bed in the history of mankind has been unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas.  It’s called Starry Night, it costs $50,000, and we’ve GOT to share it with you . . .       . . . The bed has two adjustable mattresses side-by-side that you can control like those CraftMatic adjustable beds that make the old people so happy in infomercials.      . . . Each mattress has CLIMATE CONTROL . . . you can heat it, cool it, pre-heat it, pre-cool it . . . and the person sleeping next to you can set their side to a totally different temperature. 

     . . . It STOPS you from SNORING.  The bed has military-grade vibration detection technology, so when it senses you snoring, it automatically adjusts the mattress to move you forward by seven degrees to clear your nasal passages and stop your snoring.      . . . It has a built-in PROJECTION HDTV that can project up to 10 feet across on the facing wall. 

     . . . And it has a built-in iPod dock, internet connection, surround sound speakers and on-board computer.  The internal memory can hold 400,000 songs or 2,000 hours of video. –The bed is scheduled to go on sale here sometime in the middle of the year.  The price for all of those features is $50,000 . . . but with fewer options, you can get one for as low as $20,000.  The manufacturer is Leggett & Platt . . . they’re not taking preorders yet. 

Well, Newsboy had a story about older couples considering ways to liven up their sex lives, so I thought I’d call up someone in that demographic and find out the truth. My Mom:

 Mom Threesome

You’ve seen them puttering along in the passing lane (if you don’t know what the passing lane is, it’s the left lane, but that’s a whole other post) talking on their cellphones while cars line up behind them waiting for them to move. Cell phone drivers seem to slow things down, but here’s actual proof:

All those drivers you see chatting on cell phones are slowing down traffic, even if they’re using hands-free devices, according to a new study from University of Utah psychology professor David Strayer. The research, based on simulator driving, found that motorists on cell phones go about two miles per hour slower on clogged roads and don’t keep up with the flow of traffic. They are far more likely to stay behind a slow car and they change lanes about 20 percent less often. Overall, cell phone drivers took about three percent longer to travel the same highly-congested road and about two percent longer on a medium-congested road. Strayer said that, with about one in 10 drivers on the phone, that can really add up.

I was at my aunt and uncles place out in Cochrane over the holidays. They have an enormous bag of Smurf figures that their nieces love to play with. All but one of them are the typical blue and white, in various activities from sports to business. What about the other one? He’s black. And he’s angry. Of all the smurfs, the angry, devil-like one is a black man. Where is Reverend Al when you need him? 

Got two new calls for you. One came just before I headed out to Florida. It came after more than a month of no calls. The second one was just after I returned from Flroida and before the holidays.

Click on ‘em to listen: 

Biggest Fan December 7th

Biggest Fan December 20th

Calgary has some of the worst drivers I’ve come across. For the most part it’s the overcautious drivers and the left-lane hogs that make me most crazy. Here’s a list from AOL.com:

• Tailgaters: We have enough problems with people breathing down our necks on supermarket lines, train ticket lines and (sometimes) unemployment check lines. We don’t need them breathing down our necks on the highway, too.
• Road Rage: Spontaneous road-battles are the worst. When dealing with someone with road rage, suddenly you’re expected to dodge insults, trash and who-knows-what-else in a chariot battle right out of Ben Hur when all you wanted to do was hit the local Stop N’ Shop.
• Grooming While Driving: Has anybody actually met someone by exchanging glances on the road going 60 mph? It’s like a car is a dressing room for some people — people that need perfectly manicured hair and flawless skin at all times. I don’t know how impressed I’d be if someone swerved into me while primping in the vanity mirror. But maybe that’s just me. Maybe someone out there actually wants to have their insurance rates raised.
• No Turn Signals: Have you noticed that there are two types of drivers who don’t use turn signals? There’s the bunch who don’t use their signals because they’re trying to be sneaky and grab the incredibly tight space in front of your car in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Then there’s those who just don’t seem to remember or care to use their signals, like the guy who veers into a turn in front of oncoming traffic and freaks everyone out at the intersection. For the latter, maybe driving a car simply just isn’t engaging enough to demand their attention like it should.
• Slowpokes in the Fast Lane: Is there any simpler way to phrase it? “Keep right except to pass.” Some drivers just don’t get it. They just love that left lane, even when they’re rolling along 20 mph under the speed limit. Maybe they get nervous when cars whiz past their window. The left lane’s no-traffic shoulder may seem friendlier.
• Driving Greedy: About a year ago, I saw a driver so protective of his space behind a tractor trailer that, while maneuvering to keep someone else from merging, he actually impaled his bumper on the back of the truck. The truck pulled away and yanked the whole bumper off. And the other car jumped into the space anyway, rubbing some salt in the wound.
• The Multi-Lane Dash: Don’t you just love it when a car makes a desperate diagonal bee-line across three lanes for an exit? It’s like there’s going to be an epic 50 miles until the next chance to exit and turn around. Granted, in some remote places there actually could be 50 miles between exits, but in major metropolitan areas? Perhaps they just enjoy the thrill of cutting everybody off on the road at once.
• Staggering Merge: You have to wonder if people had the same driver’s manual as you did. Maybe they got their license in a different age, one where you could get three-quarters of the questions wrong on a permit test and still be approved to drive a vehicle. That’s what I wonder when traffic gets hot and heavy and one lane is forced to merge with another. My book years ago talked of cars taking turns to form a staggered merge, one car from one lane going ahead, followed by one car from another lane.
• Meals on Wheels: My driver’s education instructor once ate a salad, utensils in either hand, while driving. He lowered the steering wheel as far as it would go and simply steered with his knees. Insane, you say? Absolutely. I think he wanted to give us a little scare after all the grief we’d put him through. What’s astonishing is all the people eating in their cars on their morning commutes. Frankly, hash brown grease and ketchup only coordinate with your suit and tie if you’re under 10.
• Talkahaulic: The Cellular Phone User: Now that the 1980s are over, the whole rich and influential power-broker look with a cell phone attached to your ear is a tad passe. Do people really need to flaunt their handheld cellular phones as they steer with one hand nowadays? If drivers really want to broadcast “I’m-so-successful-and-busy-and-everybody-needs-to-do-business-with-me-even-when-I’m-driving,” why not hire an out-of-work actor to dress up as a personal assistant and furiously take notes for them as they drive?

OK…you can accuse Newsboy and I of being fruitcakes, but I don’t see anything wrong with combining a desire to watch hot young models cavort and cat-fight and high stakes gambling. Hence, newsboy and I have a America’s Next Top Model pool. A few weeks back, we made our own personal Top 12 lists, flipped a coin for first pick, then had our draft. I won the toss, and here are our picks in order:

#1 Victoria (Josh)

#2 Bianca (Newsboy)

#3 Heather (Josh)

#4 Jenah (Newsboy)

#5 Kimberly (Josh)

#6 Ebony (Newsboy)

#7 Sarah (Josh)

#8 Saleisha (Newsboy)

#9 Janet (Josh)

#10 Chantal (Newsboy)

#11 Ambreal (Josh)

#12 Lisa (Newsboy)

Each week the winner buys the other coffee, although it’s winner takes all!

(#1 and #2 pictured)

FIVE WAYS TO INSTANTLY FEEL GOOD (AskMen.com)

• Indulge in retail therapy: Retail therapy is an old tactic long associated with the female species; she’s been getting her gloom serviced by cash registers and sales racks for a long, long time. The basic idea is to buy yourself something unexpected in the hopes that it will raise your spirits.
• Phone an old friend: Catching up with an old buddy rarely fails to liberate us from the blues. It can be effective, whether you’ve been meaning to call this person for months and months but keep forgetting, or something recently reminded you of that dynamite old friendship. Now is the time not only to catch up with one another, but also rehash the good times, revel in the classic moments and retell stories you’ve told a hundred times before. When you hang up, odds are good not only will you feel cheered up, but it will do good things for your buddy too.
• Surf funny videos: You’ve got iFilm, YouTube, Yahoo, and plenty more resources to choose from where a world of morons and their moronic actions await. You can also relive some classic cinema moments from some of the funniest films ever made, such as Fast Times at Ridgemont High and American Pie.
• Play with a pet: Dogs, cats and other pets don’t know the complexities of life like we do. Their lives are simpler, they’re always ready for a good time, and they never fail to appreciate our time and attention. They have no opinion on what’s bugging you and they take no sides; they’re simply interested in hanging out with you.
• Listen to feel-good music: When it comes to music, we all have our own personal favorites — music we listen to with chronic devotion and make a part of our daily lives. It is not, however, the same music we turn to for an instant feel-good infusion — nor should it be. While music from bands like the Beach Boys come to mind, along with The Offspring, Blink 182 and even early Beatles albums, in general feel-good music is best served by bands who don’t take themselves too seriously.

OK…you can accuse Newsboy and I of being fruitcakes, but I don’t see anything wrong with combining a desire to watch hot young models cavort and cat-fight and high stakes gambling. Hence, newsboy and I have a America’s Next Top Model pool. We made our own personal Top 12 lists, flipped a coin for first pick, then had our draft. I won the toss, and here are our picks in order:

#1 Victoria (Josh)

#2 Bianca (Newsboy)

#3 Heather (Josh)

#4 Jenah (Newsboy)

#5 Kimberly (Josh)

#6 Ebony (Newsboy)

#7 Sarah (Josh)

#8 Saleisha (Newsboy)

#9 Janet (Josh)

#10 Chantal (Newsboy)

#11 Ambreal (Josh)

#12 Lisa (Newsboy)

(#1 and #2 pictured)