HOW TO GO GREEN IN BED (Redbook)

• The Right Rubs: Opt for all-natural, paraben-free lubricants (parabens, used as preservatives, may disrupt hormone activity). And use organic massage oils, such as Earth Botanicals (northernnaturals.com, $11 for 8 oz), which is made of sunflower, apricot, and jojoba oils and contains no artificial fragrances or additives.
• Toss Toxic Toys: Many soft plastic sex toys are made from PVC (polyvinyl chloride) and softened with chemicals called phthalates. The problem: PVC’s manufacture is toxic to the environment, and there’s some evidence that exposure to phthalates can increase the risks of birth defects and cancer. Play it safe with toys made of silicone, glass, or metal instead.
• Bright Idea: Keep the lights off while you make love and focus fully on the sexy sensations of touch and sound. If you still want to see your sweetie, switch out your lightbulb for an Energy Star-qualified one (you’ll save cash, too!).
• Condom Sense: Roll out the lambskin condoms — the only kind proven to be biodegradable. (But stick with latex if you’re concerned about STD prevention, as lambskin condoms are only effective for birth control.)
• Mattress Matters: Get busy on sheets made from organic cotton (grown without pesticides or synthetic fertilizers), or pick bedding made from bamboo fiber, a rapidly renewable resource.
• Carbon Dating: Searching for Mr. Right? Check out greensingles.com to meet fellow tree huggers and help the planet while you look for love: Part of the site’s profits go to nonprofit environmental organizations.
• Good Vibrations: Using something that requires batteries? Replace it with something rechargable that doesnt use batteries at all.
• Human Friction: What’s hotter than body heat? Lower your home thermostat this winter and warm things up between the sheets instead.
• Green Under There: Get greener undies and still stay sexy. Slip into Lenpur lingerie — its surprisingly soft fabric is made from pine clippings.

I’ve always been a reader, since I was two my parents tell me. Recently I suggested a book to Greg - X92.9 evening/weekend guy - and he said he doesn’t read. This baffled me, because he seems like a pretty bright guy. Lynch will tell you proudly that he’s only read two books in his lifetime, but it doesn’t seem hugely surprising. Whitebread’s (Whitebread=Greg) revelation was surprising. I asked him why, and here’s the audio:

Greg doesn’t like books

It’s been awhile since I talked about the phenomenon of Hot Chicks With Douchebags, and the site chronicling this atrocity. The warm weather is here, and the douche and the chicks that are hypnotized by their douchiness. If you see any Calgary examples of HCWDB send ‘em to josh@x929.ca or send them to the official website Hot Chicks With Douchebags. Last year we did an interview with the creator of the website, and you can find that here.

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT CONDOMS (AskMen.com)

• Condoms have appeared in cave paintings: In Johnny Come Lately: A Short History of the Condom, author Jeannette Parisot claims the appearance of condoms in cave paintings are estimated to be 15,000 years old.
• Condoms used to be available only by prescription: In the U.S., there was a time that condoms were available only by prescription, but doctors held up a double standard — they would prescribe them to men so that husbands could protect themselves against getting STDs from prostitutes, but they wouldn’t prescribe them to women so they could prevent themselves from getting pregnant or for any other reason.
• The oldest condoms date back to 1640: Discovered during excavations of Dudley Castle in West Midlands,
  England, these condom fragments were made from the guts of animals and it is believed they were distributed to slow the spread of STDs during the English Civil Wars. If that is the case, they would have been used by Royalists loyal to King Charles I, since the castle didn’t fall to Oliver Cromwell until 1646.
• Condoms have been sold in vending machines since 1928: The condom available in vending machines celebrates its 80th anniversary in 2008, courtesy of the company who manufactured the first brand-name condom, Germany-based, Fromm’s. Their product, Fromm’s Act, not only appeared in vending machines first, they also had a presumably unauthorized Mickey Mouse as their pitch-man.
• Invisible condoms may be next: For all those folks forced to use leather, silk, velvet or rubber as thick as an inner tube, the invisible condom could only be a pipe dream. In this case, “invisible” actually means a gel that hardens according to increased temperatures. Clinical trials on the invisible condom have been carried out by Montreal’s Laval University, in conjunction with the Canadian Institutes of Health Research and the Centre Hospitalier de l’Universite
  Laval.

SKILLS EVERY MAN MUST MASTER: Part 2 (Esquire)

• Shuffle a deck of cards: Guys who can’t shuffle lose. Always.
• Know when to split his cards in blackjack: Aces. Eights. Always.
• Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Use his first name. Don’t use baby talk. Don’t crank up your energy to match his. Ask questions and wait for answers. Follow up.
• Speak to a waiter so he will hear: You don’t own the restaurant, so don’t act like it. You own the transaction. So don’t speak into the menu. Lift your chin. Make eye contact. All restaurants have secrets — let it be known that you expect to see some of them.
• Talk to a dog so it will hear: Go ahead, use baby talk.
• Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.
• Ask for help: Guys who refuse to ask for help are the most cursed men of all. The stubborn, the self-possessed, and the distant. The hell with them.
• Tell a woman’s dress size.
• Remove a stain. Blot. Always blot.
• Fry an egg sunny-side up. Cook until the white appears solid… and no longer.
• Break up a fight. Work in pairs if possible. Don’t get between people initially. Use the back of the collar, pull and urge the person downward. If you can’t get him down, work for distance.
• Point to the north at any time: If you have a watch, you can point the hour hand at the sun. Then find the point directly between the hour hand and the 12. That’s south. The opposite direction is, of course, north.
• Avoid boredom. You have enough to eat. You can move. This must be acknowledged as a kind of freedom. You don’t always have to buy things, put things in your mouth, or be delighted.
• Be brand loyal to at least one product. It tells a lot about who you are and where you came from.
• Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably: If you can’t, play more ball.
• Shake hands. Steady, firm, pump, let go. Use the time to make eye contact, since that’s where the social contract begins.
• Stock an emergency bag for the car: Blanket. Heavy flashlight. Hand warmers. Six bottles of water. Six packs of beef jerky. Atlas. Reflectors. Gloves. Socks. Bandages. Neosporin. Inhaler. Benadryl. Motrin. Hard candy. Telescoping magnet. Screwdriver. Channel-locks. Crescent wrench. Ski hat. Bandanna.
• Caress a woman’s neck. Back of your fingers, in a slow fan.

Today we opened the phones for more of your beefs, that ran the gamut from spitting, to tossing butts out the window, to people not letting you in when you’re driving. Listen here:

 Beefs May 13

…and feel free to add your beefs.

Esquire’s skills every man must master: 

• Tell if someone is lying. Everyone has his theory. Pick one, test it. Choose the tells that work for you. Examples: Liars change the subject quickly. Liars look up and to their right when they speak. Liars use fewer contractions. Liars will sometimes stare straight at you and employ a dead face. Liars never touch their chest or heart except self-consciously. Liars place objects between themselves and you during a conversation.
• Take a photo. Fill the frame.
• Name a book that matters. The Catcher in the Rye does not matter. Not really. You gotta read.
• Cook meat somewhere other than the grill: Buy The Way to Cook, by Julia Child. Try roasting. Braising. Broiling. Slow-cooking. Pan searing. Think ragouts, fricassees, stews. All of this will force you to understand the functionality of different cuts. In the end, grilling will be a choice rather than a chore, and your Weber will become a tool rather than a piece of weekend entertainment.
• Not monopolize the conversation.
• Write a letter: So easy. So easily forgotten. A five-paragraph structure works pretty well: Tell why you’re writing. Offer details. Ask questions. Give news. Add a specific memory or two. If your handwriting is terrible, type. Always close formally.
• Buy a suit: Avoid bargains. Know your likes, your dislikes, and what you need it for (work, funerals, court). Always get fitted.
• Swim three different strokes. Doggie paddle doesn’t count.
• Show respect without being a suck-up. Respect the following, in this order: age, experience, record, reputation. Don’t mention any of it.
• Throw a punch. Close enough, but not too close. Swing with your shoulders, not your arm. Long punches rarely land squarely.
• Chop down a tree. Know your escape path. When the tree starts to fall, use it.
• Calculate square footage. Width times length.
• Speak a foreign language. Pas beaucoup. Mais faites un effort.
• Sew a button.
• Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. Brand, amount, style, fast, like so: Booker’s, double, neat.
• Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. Use a contractor’s hammer. Swing hard and loose, like a tennis serve.
• Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.
• Play gin with an old guy. Old men will try to crush you. You take a beating as a means of absorbing the lessons they’ve learned without taking a lesson. But don’t be afraid to take them down. They can handle it.

I’ve been in Calgary about a year and a few months now, and just today I noticed that Shoppers Drug Mart (and other Calgary pharmacies) sell cigarettes. In Ontario they haven’t been able to sell them for years…the theory being that a place that’s main purpose is health care, and helping people get better shouldn’t be in the business of selling a product that mostly makes people sick or kills them. What’s your feeling on this? We talked about it and got the alberta rules from a listener:

Smokes at Shoppers

HOW NOT TO BE A SUNGLASSES DOUCHE:

• No sunglasses indoors. Take them off. Only exception here is if you’re in a sunroom, or a house made entirely of glass.
• No sunglasses at night. Corey Hart is a douche, and you are too if you wear your sunglasses after sunset.
• No sunglasses at bars, clubs or concerts. This is combining the “indoors” and “at night” rules for double-douchiness. You might think people will look at you and think, “how mysterious” or “that guy is cool.” Truthfully, people will be looking at you thinking “how douchey” or “that guy is re-goddamned-diculous!”
• Men should not wear oversize sunglasses. (Women shouldn’t either, but that’s a bigger fight)
• Men should not wear sunglasses with highly visible designer names or symbols. (ie. D&G, Chanel) It’s just lame and douchey.
• Men should also avoid the lightly tinted J-Lo style glasses. Do I need to explain?

These are just a few tips to help you avoid being douchey. If you see a friend who needs to be told - tell them. It’s also perfectly acceptable to walk by someone wearing sunglasses indoors and saying loudly and sarcastically while shielding your eyes: “owww, my eyes! It’s so bright in here, I wish I had my sunglasses!”