Like pretty much everyone, I receive telemarketing calls from time to time. I even get them at the radio station. Today, it was someone trying to offer me a credit card. We had a friendly chat. Listen here:

Hello Telemarketer

We all know by now that Greg Beharrell, who does evenings and weekends on X92.9, is a super-odd guy. Today he told us why bicycles are stupid, especially when it’s men riding them. Here’s the audio:

 Greg is a Weird Dude - Bikes

(and this is a pic of my sweetass lady)

My “biggest fan” called again, and talked about how her retreat has changed the way she looks at things. Have a listen:

Stalker May 14th

SKILLS EVERY MAN MUST MASTER: Part 2 (Esquire)

• Shuffle a deck of cards: Guys who can’t shuffle lose. Always.
• Know when to split his cards in blackjack: Aces. Eights. Always.
• Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Use his first name. Don’t use baby talk. Don’t crank up your energy to match his. Ask questions and wait for answers. Follow up.
• Speak to a waiter so he will hear: You don’t own the restaurant, so don’t act like it. You own the transaction. So don’t speak into the menu. Lift your chin. Make eye contact. All restaurants have secrets — let it be known that you expect to see some of them.
• Talk to a dog so it will hear: Go ahead, use baby talk.
• Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.
• Ask for help: Guys who refuse to ask for help are the most cursed men of all. The stubborn, the self-possessed, and the distant. The hell with them.
• Tell a woman’s dress size.
• Remove a stain. Blot. Always blot.
• Fry an egg sunny-side up. Cook until the white appears solid… and no longer.
• Break up a fight. Work in pairs if possible. Don’t get between people initially. Use the back of the collar, pull and urge the person downward. If you can’t get him down, work for distance.
• Point to the north at any time: If you have a watch, you can point the hour hand at the sun. Then find the point directly between the hour hand and the 12. That’s south. The opposite direction is, of course, north.
• Avoid boredom. You have enough to eat. You can move. This must be acknowledged as a kind of freedom. You don’t always have to buy things, put things in your mouth, or be delighted.
• Be brand loyal to at least one product. It tells a lot about who you are and where you came from.
• Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably: If you can’t, play more ball.
• Shake hands. Steady, firm, pump, let go. Use the time to make eye contact, since that’s where the social contract begins.
• Stock an emergency bag for the car: Blanket. Heavy flashlight. Hand warmers. Six bottles of water. Six packs of beef jerky. Atlas. Reflectors. Gloves. Socks. Bandages. Neosporin. Inhaler. Benadryl. Motrin. Hard candy. Telescoping magnet. Screwdriver. Channel-locks. Crescent wrench. Ski hat. Bandanna.
• Caress a woman’s neck. Back of your fingers, in a slow fan.

Today we opened the phones for more of your beefs, that ran the gamut from spitting, to tossing butts out the window, to people not letting you in when you’re driving. Listen here:

 Beefs May 13

…and feel free to add your beefs.

Esquire’s skills every man must master: 

• Tell if someone is lying. Everyone has his theory. Pick one, test it. Choose the tells that work for you. Examples: Liars change the subject quickly. Liars look up and to their right when they speak. Liars use fewer contractions. Liars will sometimes stare straight at you and employ a dead face. Liars never touch their chest or heart except self-consciously. Liars place objects between themselves and you during a conversation.
• Take a photo. Fill the frame.
• Name a book that matters. The Catcher in the Rye does not matter. Not really. You gotta read.
• Cook meat somewhere other than the grill: Buy The Way to Cook, by Julia Child. Try roasting. Braising. Broiling. Slow-cooking. Pan searing. Think ragouts, fricassees, stews. All of this will force you to understand the functionality of different cuts. In the end, grilling will be a choice rather than a chore, and your Weber will become a tool rather than a piece of weekend entertainment.
• Not monopolize the conversation.
• Write a letter: So easy. So easily forgotten. A five-paragraph structure works pretty well: Tell why you’re writing. Offer details. Ask questions. Give news. Add a specific memory or two. If your handwriting is terrible, type. Always close formally.
• Buy a suit: Avoid bargains. Know your likes, your dislikes, and what you need it for (work, funerals, court). Always get fitted.
• Swim three different strokes. Doggie paddle doesn’t count.
• Show respect without being a suck-up. Respect the following, in this order: age, experience, record, reputation. Don’t mention any of it.
• Throw a punch. Close enough, but not too close. Swing with your shoulders, not your arm. Long punches rarely land squarely.
• Chop down a tree. Know your escape path. When the tree starts to fall, use it.
• Calculate square footage. Width times length.
• Speak a foreign language. Pas beaucoup. Mais faites un effort.
• Sew a button.
• Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. Brand, amount, style, fast, like so: Booker’s, double, neat.
• Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. Use a contractor’s hammer. Swing hard and loose, like a tennis serve.
• Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.
• Play gin with an old guy. Old men will try to crush you. You take a beating as a means of absorbing the lessons they’ve learned without taking a lesson. But don’t be afraid to take them down. They can handle it.

A clean-shaven Sam Roberts stopped by the studio today to chat up his new album, Love at the End of the World. Here’s the audio:

Sam Roberts Interview

I’ve been in Calgary about a year and a few months now, and just today I noticed that Shoppers Drug Mart (and other Calgary pharmacies) sell cigarettes. In Ontario they haven’t been able to sell them for years…the theory being that a place that’s main purpose is health care, and helping people get better shouldn’t be in the business of selling a product that mostly makes people sick or kills them. What’s your feeling on this? We talked about it and got the alberta rules from a listener:

Smokes at Shoppers

We’ve talked on-air about how Greg (X92.9 Evening/Weekend guy) doesn’t own or like jeans. Today, it came to my attention that Greg doesn’t wear shorts, like shorts, or even think men should wear shorts. Here’s the debate:

Greg Hates Shorts

Take the poll over there —–>

Dallas came by the studio with Cheryl from The Calgary Humane Society. He’s a 2-year old lab mix, with a dark chocolate coat and some white markings on his paws and belly. His owner had to give him up when she moved to Calgary, and her roomate had allergies. He’s a friendly, well-trained fellow who knows how to sit, lie down, and even roll over.