The National Post’s Rebecca Tucker recently presented a few trends that need to go:

A fashion-forward friend once quipped, “When I see someone wearing Crocs, I immediately know we have nothing in common,” so it comes as no surprise that news of Toronto’s first-ever Crocs emporium, set to open up on Toronto’s über-trendy Queen West stretch, doesn’t exactly have local fashionistas over the moon with excitement. But style snobs, take heed: This won’t be the first time a not-so-attractive piece of apparel has risen to inexplicably ubiquitous popularity, but has failed to withstand the test of time (as Crocs presumably — or hopefully — will). Here then is a roundup of recent, terrible trends that have since faded into oblivion — or your local Value Village.

Cargo pants
Thanks largely to baggy-clothing champions Limp Bizkit, Korn and their fellow rap-rockers, cargo pants were de rigeur in the late ’90s and early part of this decade. Characterized by pockets aplenty and enough slack in each pant leg to accommodate a second wearer, cargo pants remain practical for military personnel and those on safari, but since the advent of the skinny jean, they are no longer acceptable in the mainstream.

Modrobes
Toronto-based clothier Modrobes, with their rainbow-hued, wide-legged, raver-friendly polyester pants, rose to popularity around the same time as cargo pants. Like Crocs, their foray into fashion fame facilitated the opening of a Modrobes boutique on — you guessed it — Queen West. The store closed in 2006, and after a decade-long run, the Modrobes brand no longer exists anywhere but thrift-store clothing racks.

Frosted Tips
The popularity of this hair-colouring trend coincided with the rise and fall of studio-manufactured boy bands such as N*Sync and the Backstreet Boys. Sported largely by men, this hairstyle involved the meticulous spiking of one’s hair, either preceded by a bleach-blond dye-job mimicking overgrown roots, or the application of specialized, coloured “spiking gel” to the hair’s outermost inch.

Trucker Hats
Many thanks to Ashton Kutcher for this one. The trucker hat was popular for such a brief time — between 2001 and 2003 — that the sheer volume and variety available was nothing short of astounding. The mesh-backed, stiff-brimmed caps were most often worn by men, most often adorned with beer logos and were most often spotted at gatherings wherein other men were addressed as “guy.”

So I recently met this youngish girl. In that transitional phase between high school and university. Pretty girl. She likes to shop, and likes the nicer stuff. Here’s the problem. When you’re at that stage in life, your income doesn’t match your expensive tastes. What to do? Well, look forward to a time when you’ll have an income that matches your tastes. Perservere. Improvise. Find your own style that doesn’t cost a ton. Realize that labels are kinda useless. Or…become a prostitute. Sort of. Find a guy a little bit older, with some money, who will buy you all the nice things you want, and let you live the lifestyle you want in exchange for being his “girlfriend.” Money (gifts, nice things) for sex (girlfriend thing) = prostitution.

Calgary is a wealthy city, and this isn’t an isolated incident. It’s not just women who are to blame. You see these guys cruising 17th in their fancy cars (Lambos, Porsches, Escalades, H2s) with bad dance music blaring, oversize sunglasses on. All the money in a world can’t buy a personality. Lots of wealthy guys are bankrupt when it comes to intellect or personality. But there are plenty of women who eat this shit up. Instead of asking what you’re reading, they ask what you’re driving. Instead of asking what you think about, they ask what you make (about.)

This is not to say that there aren’t wealthy guys who aren’t douchebags. In my circle of friends, there are some people that make a really good living. But none of us flaunt it, or use it to get ahead socially. It’s secondary to personality and being human.

Is it just me?

Click for the audio

Who is Dimitri the Lover? Well, the voicemails were pretty famous. I dug a little deeper, and this is a creepster in Toronto who lost his medical license for inappropriate behaviour with female patients. He now has his own seduction website!

The voicemail story goes that a girl named Olga met a guy named Dimitri somewhere public. They talked very briefly, and she gave Dimitri her card and said “give me a call.” The following are purportedly two voicemail messages he left for her following their brief meeting. Listen here:

Dimitri Voicemail 1

Dimitri Voicemail 2

It’s been awhile since I talked about the phenomenon of Hot Chicks With Douchebags, and the site chronicling this atrocity. The warm weather is here, and the douche and the chicks that are hypnotized by their douchiness. If you see any Calgary examples of HCWDB send ‘em to josh@x929.ca or send them to the official website Hot Chicks With Douchebags. Last year we did an interview with the creator of the website, and you can find that here.

Saturday, Newsboy made the “Mrs.” in “Mrs.” Newsboy official. I Emceed the wedding, and also made an appearance at the ceremony. The ceremony was held in a real live church. We talked about making church more appealing to young people with a animatronic laser Jesus, and how for a few minutes I was an unintentional douchebag. Listen:

Newsboy’s Wedding

HOW NOT TO BE A SUNGLASSES DOUCHE:

• No sunglasses indoors. Take them off. Only exception here is if you’re in a sunroom, or a house made entirely of glass.
• No sunglasses at night. Corey Hart is a douche, and you are too if you wear your sunglasses after sunset.
• No sunglasses at bars, clubs or concerts. This is combining the “indoors” and “at night” rules for double-douchiness. You might think people will look at you and think, “how mysterious” or “that guy is cool.” Truthfully, people will be looking at you thinking “how douchey” or “that guy is re-goddamned-diculous!”
• Men should not wear oversize sunglasses. (Women shouldn’t either, but that’s a bigger fight)
• Men should not wear sunglasses with highly visible designer names or symbols. (ie. D&G, Chanel) It’s just lame and douchey.
• Men should also avoid the lightly tinted J-Lo style glasses. Do I need to explain?

These are just a few tips to help you avoid being douchey. If you see a friend who needs to be told - tell them. It’s also perfectly acceptable to walk by someone wearing sunglasses indoors and saying loudly and sarcastically while shielding your eyes: “owww, my eyes! It’s so bright in here, I wish I had my sunglasses!”

The 16th season, Fans vs. Favourites season of Survivor kicks off tonight on Global. It takes place in beautiful Micronesia. One of the biggest villians in Survivor history is back for the new season and called into the show. Listen here:

Jonny Fairplay Interview

If you can’t go two hours without checking your text messages, or seeing who called you, or worst of all, answering your phone - watching movies in the theatre just isn’t for you. Don’t go. I think theatres should be allowed to use cell-blocking technology to discourage the douche.

HOW NOT TO BE A DOUCHEBAG AT THE MOVIES:

• No Cell Phones: Turn the ringer off. Not vibrate. Off. If it’s on vibrate it’ll only tempt you to check it if there’s a call or message. Do not answer incoming calls, or (I feel like I’m stating the obvious here) make outgoing calls. Do not open your phone to see if anyone called or to read and write text messages. This is a big one, as people seem to assume it’s just the actual talking and ringing that’s distracting. That giant glowing LCD screen in the midst of the darkened theatre takes my attention from the movie screen. Again…if you can’t go two hours without touching your cell phone, you shouldn’t go to movies. And you should seek professional help.
• No Talking: Talk all you want before the movie and during the inevitable ads that precede the it. During the trailers, it’s polite to leave the talk for between the trailers, where it’s acceptable to say stuff like “that looks awesome” or “that looks suck-tastic.” Once the lights go down and the “feature presentation” bumper ends, it’s time to shut it! Don’t be tempted to talk with your companion about what’s on screen. If you’re on a first date and trying to impress her with your witty comments, trust me, you’re not funnier than the movie. Don’t state the obvious: “oh crap, she’s dead.” Don’t make out-loud predictions: “He’s gonna get caught!” Just save the talk ’til the movie is over and the credits are rolling.
• Remain Seated: You know the movie is gonna be 2 hours. Plan ahead. Take a whiz before it starts. You getting up and walking in front of people during the movie is annoying and distracting. It also means that when you return to your seat, the same thing happens again, plus you might be tempted to have a conversation about what you missed…which makes it double-douchey.

What as a regular non-douchey moviegoer can you do to keep the douche at bay? If your friend breaks one of the rules, you must be quick to remind them about the rules. If a stranger is chatting, a shush is a good start, an evil stare is the next step, and a “will you shut the f*ck up!?!” is a fine last resort. As for cellphone users the same tactic can be effective. As for texting and the glowing screens, I’ve found throwing pennies at the hands and /or device of the user can be effective. Some brands of candy will work too. For now the balcony is closed.

Was on my Facebook over the long weekend, and came across a profile too good to be true. One of my favourite websites is Hot Chicks With Douchebags, and one of their perennial favourites is a guy named Joey Porsche, a douchebag in the style of the Growing Up Gotti kids. Joey:

I didn’t think someone as ridiculously douchey and hilarious as Joey Porsche actually existed in Calgary. But I think I found him. Unfortunately, he shares my first name. The bad fake tan, the frosted tips, the ridiculous designer sunglasses, the coiffed brows, the tough-guy posing, the pursed lips, the bling, the wanna-G style, the giving the camera the finger, the designer duds…behold:

 

The only positive is that unlike Cancer, there is a cure. Douche is a choice.

APPROPRIATE CELL PHONE MANNERS (MSN.com)

• Be nice to the person behind the counter: Don’t talk on the phone while you’re ordering or paying for something. Doesn’t the person behind the lunch counter deserve just an ounce of respect? Hang up, or at least put your caller on hold.
• Take it outside: Take your phone outside, or at least away from the table, when you get a call in a restaurant. No one around you, much less your tablemates, cares to hear what you have to say. That is, unless you’re guiding someone to your table in a cavernous eatery. And if it’s really important, you could always text. But even that has a limit, as well.
• You’re welcome: Have you ever held the door for someone who’s been on the phone without them acknowledging your presence? Remember folks: Even though you’re on the phone you still exist in this world to other people.
• Drive to distraction: When you’re driving with a phone use a headset. And whatever you do, don’t text while driving. Yikes.
• Yes, they’re talking to you: No one pays $10 to hear your cell phone ring during a movie so turn it off. But if you absolutely have to keep your phone on, please turn it on vibrate. And please don’t start talking until after you’ve left the theater. It’s just being polite. The same goes for weddings, funerals, and other milestone events. Remember that when they ask you to turn off your phone, they’re talking to you.
• Work out your body, not your mouth: The gym is no place for a cell phone. Don’t talk when you’re doing cardio and don’t take up space on equipment so you can sit and catch up the latest dish. If you’re bored while you spin, read a magazine.
• Not in the bathroom: Don’t use your phone in a public restroom. That’s just gross.
• Remember the people around you: If you’re out with a group of friends, it’s fine to answer the phone for a few minutes. Just don’t make that conversation more important than the one you’re already having.
• Bluetooth geeks: Wearing a Bluetooth headset when you’re not talking on the phone just makes you look like a geek.