THINGS A MAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DRINKING (Esquire)

• There is no such thing as a chocolate martini.
• There is no shame in club soda and cranberry juice.
• Visiting the pub will be cheaper in the long run if you tip the bartender regularly and more generously than is necessary.
• Never order a frozen drink in a place that serves pickled eggs. Actually, never order a frozen drink.
• When throwing a party, break the seals on all liquor bottles, lest guests should hesitate to open them and come to doubt your hospitality.
• Adopt a new favorite cocktail on a seasonal basis.
• Drinks that give you bad breath: beer, anything sweet, anything with milk.
• Drinks that give you good breath: gin and tonic, gimlet, vodka and cranberry, anything with citrus.
• Decent wine costs 15 dollars. Good wine costs 35 dollars. Nobody can tell the difference.
• Sitting at the bar works only for two people. Three or more requires a table.
• Never utter the words I and love and you if you’ve had more than three drinks.
• If a bartender makes you flail your arms or beg for service, well, obviously, leave.
• Instead of trying to remember whether it’s “beer before liquor” or the other way around, just be an adult and stick to one or the other.
• Acceptable drinks for men: beer, wine, whiskey, cocktails that are neither sweet nor made with dairy or fruit other than lime or lemon or orange.
• Never question a woman’s drink choice.
• If you’re the first in the group to arrive and you start a tab on your card, you deserve exactly what’s coming to you.