I went to see Hot Fuzz over the weekend at the Eau Claire theatre. During the movie, some choad down the row decided he needed to read and reply to a text message or two on his palmpilot/blackberry thing. Highly Douchey! If you can’t go two hours without checking your text messages, or seeing who called you, or worst of all, answering your phone - watching movies in the theatre just isn’t for you. Don’t go. I think theatres should be allowed to use cell-blocking technology to discourage the douche.
HOW NOT TO BE A DOUCHEBAG AT THE MOVIES:Â
- No Cell Phones: Â Turn the ringer off. Not vibrate. Off. If it’s on vibrate it’ll only tempt you to check it if there’s a call or message. Do not answer incoming calls, or (I feel like I’m stating the obvious here) make outgoing calls. Do not open your phone to see if anyone called or to read and write text messages. This is a big one, as people seem to assume it’s just the actual talking and ringing that’s distracting. That giant glowing LCD screen in the midst of the darkened theatre takes my attention from the movie screen. Again…if you can’t go two hours without touching your cell phone, you shouldn’t go to movies. And you should seek professional help.
- No Talking: Talk all you want before the movie and during the inevitable ads that precede the it. During the trailers, it’s polite to leave the talk for between the trailers, where it’s acceptable to say stuff like “that looks awesome” or “that looks suck-tastic.” Once the lights go down and the “feature presentation” bumper ends, it’s time to shut it! Don’t be tempted to talk with your companion about what’s on screen. If you’re on a first date and trying to impress her with your witty comments, trust me, you’re not funnier than the movie. Don’t state the obvious: “oh crap, she’s dead.” Don’t make out-loud predictions: “He’s gonna get caught!” Just save the talk ’til the movie is over and the credits are rolling.
- Remain Seated: You know the movie is gonna be 2 hours. Plan ahead. Take a whiz before it starts. You getting up and walking in front of people during the movie is annoying and distracting. It also means that when you return to your seat, the same thing happens again, plus you might be tempted to have a conversation about what you missed…which makes it double-douchey.
What as a regular non-douchey moviegoer can you do to keep the douche at bay? If your friend breaks one of the rules, you must be quick to remind them about the rules. If a stranger is chatting, a shush is a good start, an evil stare is the next step, and a “will you shut the f*ck up!?!” is a fine last resort. As for cellphone users the same tactic can be effective. As for texting and the glowing screens, I’ve found throwing pennies at the hands and /or device of the user can be effective. Some brands of candy will work too. For now the balcony is closed.  Â
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May 28th, 2007 at 11:49 pm
Subject: Venting!
Josh, I totally agree with you!
I don’t go out of my way and pay $15-20 for a ticket and then another $10 or for food just have to put up with a group of high school kiddies two rows down chatting and laughing out loud in there little click. Like WTF?!? Have some respect for those around you.
If you choose to ruin the movie for your self fine, but don’t waste my time and money by F****** around in the theatre just because you can’t sit still.
On a side note, your copper fling strategy sound quite fulfilling and I know I will have plenty of opportunities to test it!
Thanks for using your mass communication opportunities for the greater good!
Mac
May 29th, 2007 at 11:18 am
I agree with you completely!!!!
….the other thing that tix me off is the douch-cicle behind me who insists on putting thier shoe in my hair and pushing up against my seat!!! ARGH!!!!
Oh and the people who have already seen the show and spoil it for everyone else by telling what happens next!!! DRIVES ME NUTS!!!
Not to mention sitting inbetween 2 men and getting NO arm rest!!!!! I’ve resorted to reserving a seat for my imaginary date to solve this.
I’ll have to use your penny/wet sticky candy tactic the next time I see the douchmasters on thier phones/blackberries etc!!
There is my bag o douch rant!!! woop wooop!! lol
Cheers
-e
June 8th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
Josh,
I had a very similar situation occur when I went to see Grind House. A guy 2 rows down from me started to text on his blackberry so I threw some rolled up napkins at him and he didn’t stop. Once the first movie was over (double feature remember) he had stopped with the texting. As soon as the second movie started he was right back at it. I stood up and my husband asked me to sit down before I embarassed him; there was no one in the row between us so I went up behind him and before I could say more than excuse me he told me to go sit somewhere else. Well this just angered me more so we proceeded to have a shouting match in the theatre while everyone watched in amazement since I am 5 foot nothing and he was about 6 ‘2.
Neeedless to say he continued texting throughout the movie but left before the movie was finished. I wanted to let this DOUCHE BAG know that if a conversation is more important than the movie then don’t go to the movies and ruin it for everyone else!!!!
Thanks
Amanda
June 9th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
I’d like to also add that if you are sick with a nasty cold and will be sneezing, sniffling and snorting through an entire movie..maybe wait to hit the theatre until you are feeling better. I was stuck beside one of these people for a 2 hour movie a little while back, and it was the most distracting and not to mention disgusting things I have ever experienced!