Mar 30
A black eye: Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your eyes should remain unblemished.
A witty e-mail signature: Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively.
An empty refrigerator: Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her.
PlayStation thumb: When they’re relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to button-shaped bruises, you’re missing out on life.
A key chain with a bottle opener: This is both a reminder of your college days and proof that you don’t know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers.
A lucky shirt: Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works, the luckier he’ll be.
An unstamped passport.
Olympic dreams: Exceptions: curling and archery.
Less than $20 in his wallet: A real man should always carry around a business card and enough money to pick up coffee, bagels and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
Any beer that cost less than $20 a case: An no exception for the grand slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.
The need to quote The Big Lebowski/Caddyshack/Superbad: Reciting someone else’s lines reminds people that you haven’t the wit to write your own.
A futon: Such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, “Take me to your futon.”
Code words for ugly women: Actually, code words for anything.
A Nerf hoop in his living room: Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else’s office.
A secret handshake.
Drinking glasses with logos: Especially those kitschy McDonalds Hamburglar ones.
A recent story with the phrase “So I said to the cop…”
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