Well, my biggest fan has apparently discovered our brand new storefront studio at 17th Ave and 2nd on the Red Mile. Hadn’t heard from her for almost two weeks. This one came in today:

Stalker Window Shops

10 WORST PICK UP LINES (AskMen.com)

• “Hey, I was just thinking of you! Okay, I’m all cleaned up now though.”: This line is fairly crude and implies that you have the stamina of a 12-year-old, so it’ll only tempt her to leave the room rather than leave with you .
• “How would you like your eggs for breakfast: scrambled, boiled or fertilized?”: This one may be funny, but it’s also a tad presumptuous. Women generally dislike sexual references, as well as men who assume they can conquer any women they meet. To add insult to injury, it alludes to pregnancy; not a smart move.
• “What do you say we go back to my place and do some math? Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply!”: She may like the fact that you have a solid grasp of mathematics, but she will also assume you’re the pocket protector-wearing type. And thanks to the pickup line’s length, she will be history by the time you carry over the one.
• “You might as well sleep with me because I’m going to tell everybody we did it anyway.”: This one is provocative and funny, but chances are it might garner you a slap across the face. On the other hand, she might counter with, “you’d better tell them I was good,” but don’t count on it.
• “Hey babe, do you know that my bedroom is soundproof?”: This one seems good at first, but it connotes that you will get action that night. Again, pretty presumptuous. On a scarier note, it also implies that if you do get her to your place, she could scream for help and no one would hear… pass.
• “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.”: Okay, so you know what Braille is… good for you. You may need it after she gouges your eyes out for insinuating that you could fondle her breasts without consequence. Generally speaking, lines that could be used at porn conventions are of no use in mainstream settings.
• “I just want to tell you that you have a price to pay for being this cute, and I’m here to collect… your phone number, that is.”: It’s fairly witty, but drags on for too long. And she’ll expect some celebrity to burst onto the scene and pitch you a collect-call phone program.
• “Did you know women are like parking spots? All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. Which are you?”: Mr. Sensitive, “come on down!” Comparing women to cement on which cars are parked will not get you far, while implying that a woman is handicapped if she’s single is going to put you in the ER.
• “Can I buy you a drink or do you prefer the cash instead?”: As a general rule, implying that she is a hooker will not work. Leave that for the streetwalker get-togethers and offer her a drink instead.
• “If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?”: Are you asking her whether or not she’s a virgin? Why not ask her whether it’s that time of the month while you’re it? Leave the references to her box and your tools out of the dialogue, if you want to leave the bar in one piece.

HOW NOT TO BE A SUNGLASSES DOUCHE:

• No sunglasses indoors. Take them off. Only exception here is if you’re in a sunroom, or a house made entirely of glass.
• No sunglasses at night. Corey Hart is a douche, and you are too if you wear your sunglasses after sunset.
• No sunglasses at bars, clubs or concerts. This is combining the “indoors” and “at night” rules for double-douchiness. You might think people will look at you and think, “how mysterious” or “that guy is cool.” Truthfully, people will be looking at you thinking “how douchey” or “that guy is re-goddamned-diculous!”
• Men should not wear oversize sunglasses. (Women shouldn’t either, but that’s a bigger fight)
• Men should not wear sunglasses with highly visible designer names or symbols. (ie. D&G, Chanel) It’s just lame and douchey.
• Men should also avoid the lightly tinted J-Lo style glasses. Do I need to explain?

These are just a few tips to help you avoid being douchey. If you see a friend who needs to be told - tell them. It’s also perfectly acceptable to walk by someone wearing sunglasses indoors and saying loudly and sarcastically while shielding your eyes: “owww, my eyes! It’s so bright in here, I wish I had my sunglasses!”