When this guy gives “the shocker” he really gives “the shocker”: 

24 year old macrodactyly patient Liu Hua from Jiangsu, the man with the world’s largest hand has arrived at the Shanghai No. 9 People’s Hospital for radical plastic surgery. He was born with a left thumb, index and middle finger much larger than normal, which grew dramatically together with his arm as he grew older and this had a serious impact on his work and day-to-day life. From Shanghai Daily:

When Liu was hospitalized in Shanghai last month, his left thumb measured 26 centimeters, his index finger was 30cm and his middle finger 15cm. The overall weight of his left arm was about 10 kilograms.”It was the biggest hand in the world,” said Chen Zuliang, a hospital official. “Liu’s fingers stopped growing in recent years so plastic surgery was at last possible to correct the malformation.”

On July 20 surgeons began a seven-hour operation to reduce the size of Liu’s fingers and thumb. Doctors removed 5.1kg of flesh and bone in the procedure.

Doctors say Liu will have to come back to the hospital in another six months for surgery to reshape his left arm and shoulder. He is now left with three fingers on his left hand — the thumb, the ring finger and his little finger, but it is hoped that with some training and rehabilitation, life will soon be back to normal for him, and he will no longer have to find ways and means to hide his hand whenever he goes out.

Well, my biggest fan has apparently discovered our brand new storefront studio at 17th Ave and 2nd on the Red Mile. Hadn’t heard from her for almost two weeks. This one came in today:

Stalker Window Shops

10 WORST PICK UP LINES (AskMen.com)

• “Hey, I was just thinking of you! Okay, I’m all cleaned up now though.”: This line is fairly crude and implies that you have the stamina of a 12-year-old, so it’ll only tempt her to leave the room rather than leave with you .
• “How would you like your eggs for breakfast: scrambled, boiled or fertilized?”: This one may be funny, but it’s also a tad presumptuous. Women generally dislike sexual references, as well as men who assume they can conquer any women they meet. To add insult to injury, it alludes to pregnancy; not a smart move.
• “What do you say we go back to my place and do some math? Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply!”: She may like the fact that you have a solid grasp of mathematics, but she will also assume you’re the pocket protector-wearing type. And thanks to the pickup line’s length, she will be history by the time you carry over the one.
• “You might as well sleep with me because I’m going to tell everybody we did it anyway.”: This one is provocative and funny, but chances are it might garner you a slap across the face. On the other hand, she might counter with, “you’d better tell them I was good,” but don’t count on it.
• “Hey babe, do you know that my bedroom is soundproof?”: This one seems good at first, but it connotes that you will get action that night. Again, pretty presumptuous. On a scarier note, it also implies that if you do get her to your place, she could scream for help and no one would hear… pass.
• “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.”: Okay, so you know what Braille is… good for you. You may need it after she gouges your eyes out for insinuating that you could fondle her breasts without consequence. Generally speaking, lines that could be used at porn conventions are of no use in mainstream settings.
• “I just want to tell you that you have a price to pay for being this cute, and I’m here to collect… your phone number, that is.”: It’s fairly witty, but drags on for too long. And she’ll expect some celebrity to burst onto the scene and pitch you a collect-call phone program.
• “Did you know women are like parking spots? All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. Which are you?”: Mr. Sensitive, “come on down!” Comparing women to cement on which cars are parked will not get you far, while implying that a woman is handicapped if she’s single is going to put you in the ER.
• “Can I buy you a drink or do you prefer the cash instead?”: As a general rule, implying that she is a hooker will not work. Leave that for the streetwalker get-togethers and offer her a drink instead.
• “If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?”: Are you asking her whether or not she’s a virgin? Why not ask her whether it’s that time of the month while you’re it? Leave the references to her box and your tools out of the dialogue, if you want to leave the bar in one piece.

HOW NOT TO BE A SUNGLASSES DOUCHE:

• No sunglasses indoors. Take them off. Only exception here is if you’re in a sunroom, or a house made entirely of glass.
• No sunglasses at night. Corey Hart is a douche, and you are too if you wear your sunglasses after sunset.
• No sunglasses at bars, clubs or concerts. This is combining the “indoors” and “at night” rules for double-douchiness. You might think people will look at you and think, “how mysterious” or “that guy is cool.” Truthfully, people will be looking at you thinking “how douchey” or “that guy is re-goddamned-diculous!”
• Men should not wear oversize sunglasses. (Women shouldn’t either, but that’s a bigger fight)
• Men should not wear sunglasses with highly visible designer names or symbols. (ie. D&G, Chanel) It’s just lame and douchey.
• Men should also avoid the lightly tinted J-Lo style glasses. Do I need to explain?

These are just a few tips to help you avoid being douchey. If you see a friend who needs to be told - tell them. It’s also perfectly acceptable to walk by someone wearing sunglasses indoors and saying loudly and sarcastically while shielding your eyes: “owww, my eyes! It’s so bright in here, I wish I had my sunglasses!”

From The Smoking Gun:

Coldplay Singer Gets Coldcocked

AUGUST 10–A Washington man’s karaoke performance of a Coldplay song apparently triggered a female bar patron to attack him early yesterday at a Seattle bar. According to a Seattle Police Department report, a copy of which you can find below, Lindsey Lawrence, 21, assaulted the unnamed victim while he was performing with “two other subjects” at Changes Tavern, where patrons sing karaoke Wednesday and Thursday night from 9 PM until 1 AM. When the assault victim launched into Coldplay’s “Yellow,” Lawrence allegedly told the man that his “singing sucked” and that the song “fucking sucked.” She then grabbed at the man’s microphone and “pushed him and punched him in order to get him to stop singing,” cops reported. When employees escorted Lawrence from the bar, she “became very violent” and struck several other people (and was hostile towards police and fire department medics who responded to the scene). Lawrence was booked into the Seattle Correctional Facility, where she is currently being held on an investigation of assault rap. It is unclear why Coldplay’s music apparently made Lawrence snap, though a famous June 2005 New York Times appraisal by Jon Pareles may offer an insight. The critic called the British group “the most insufferable band of the decade,” adding that, “the lyrics can make me wish I didn’t understand English.”

I was lamenting the fact that I don’t have anyone in Vancouver or L.A. (or any other west coast city) to call up and say in my best Interpol (from Heinrich Maneuvre) voice: “How are things on the west coast?” I decided to randomly call numbers until I got someone. It’s a pizza place on the coast of Southern California:

west-coast.mp3

It had been awhile since she called, but my biggest fan called again while I was on vacation and got Lynch when he was filling in for me: Stalker Lynch

Then when I got back, this call came in: Stalker Vacation

10 WAYS TO BE HEALTHIER WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

• Laugh out loud: It’ll make your body pump endorphins — chemicals that boost energy and alleviate depression. Stress hormones will drop too.
• Orgasms: They actually change your brain chemistry in a way that relaxes your body and relieves tension.
• Drink plain old water: You’ll feel good if you stay hydrated.
• Wash your hands: Up to 80% of all colds, flus and other common illnesses are spread through touching, and only 16% of people do a good enough job washing.
• Eat anything in the produce aisle: All of them are good — there’s no such thing as a bad-for-you vegetable.
• Floss: It’s one of the best ways to ward off gum disease and keep your smile intact forever.
• Deep breathing: It cuts stress instantly. Try six slow breaths per minute to lower blood pressure.
• Hang out with friends: People crave relationships; friends let you vent; and a study found that people with a strong network of friends outlived those without by 22%.
• Massage: It feels great and research shows a good rub may improve circulation and release feel-good chemicals like serotonin.
• Decent posture: Sit or stand up straight and you’ll magically look slimmer.

Eight “Weird” Things Guys Do That Are Normal (Glamour)

• Ordering a salad for dinner: 19% of men say they’re currently trying to lose weight.
• Putting more time into friendships than women do: Men spend 10 hours a week with friends, compare to 7.5 for women.
• Not getting off: 25% of men don’t always orgasm with their partners.
• Faking it when they can’t get there: Yes, women pretend to orgasm more often, but 11% of men say they’ve done it too.
• Talking on the phone a lot: Men clock an average of 546 cell phone minutes a month, which is 76 more than women use.
• Never outgrowing video games: 35% of guys ages 25-34 play them for about 8 hours a week.
• Crying: Research shows that a typical man shed tears about 17 times a year.
• Liking the mall: 51% of men say that they enjoy shopping.